Christmas Burden.

For many people, Christmas is not as joyful as candy canes, Santa, Jesus and presents. For some, it is a time where you need to put on a mask and fake a smile while your insides are hurting because you miss someone who is no longer with you.

For the past ten years, Christmas has not been the same without her. For those who did not know her, she had a presence that was welcoming, an engaging laugh, and eyes that were full of pain deep inside, but hidden with knowledge and wisdom.

I do not remember her laugh, her smile or her voice. However, I can see her face vividly. Unlike most the people in my family, I have not allowed myself to dream about her, or feel her surrounding me. Part of me died ten years ago, and I have been unknowingly suffering ever since.

Brutal Truth.

Brutal Truth.

From you I ran
for a such long time
I locked you the key completely
and buried it inside
For you bring out a certain side
that makes me wanna
drive right into a wall
To use the broken glass
to cut through all the bullshit
of my past.
Here is my brutal truth
The ball and chain
Got me locked down
bounded by the pain
I have come to release you
Before it is too late
Before I am too old
To change the course of fate.

You're so vain.

Old but good one.

I refuse to surrender and suffer at your expense.What is it worth? My heart, my pain, my pride and my dignity. Why don't you just take back all that you've given me? Nothing seems to work. Somebody does not care. It's just too much emotional responsibility to bear. Vanity is a sin, yet you'd win the award! Its way beyond selfish, two steps ahead of self-absorbed. What am I to do? Sit and remain utterly confused? While you take and take and I am left abused? I refuse to shed another tear from my eye. I'll keep my feet grounded, and hold my head high. For you gain through loses yet you lose what you gain. With my spirit intact, only for words will remain.."Fuck You, Mr. Vain!"

Heart to Heart.

Here's an old but good one..

I think of you all day long

Feelings have come on

so strong

Slowly but surely

Immensely and intensely

Envision

These visions

so clear

my face represents

my tears

Your face will

replace

with your embrace

will take away

the fear.

I can no longer hide

the pain will subside

this feeling

time healing

I can finally see

What is meant to be

A new chapter will start

The day we meet

heart to heart.

heart to heart
mind to soul
It is the ultimate control

heart to heart
eyes to eyes
Love is the disguise
heart to heart

Emotion through rhyme.

I pushed my limits
Out of the comfort zone
Keep telling me how I rock your world
But you turned mine upside down
Instilling fear about the next move
For what?
Resisting myself
is ignoring the most important voice
I am ready to say whats on my mind
Swallowed the lines
How the promise of a new day
was coming nearer
Now I see things clearer
For the first time
Through the use of my emotions
and cleverness of my rhyme
This illusion
Caused confusion.
Its true.
Shattered the mirror
Reality beaming through

Peace of mind.

There is more than meets those eyes
If you only knew
It might seem like its over
But there's barely nothing there
I feel drained of my energy
Trapped. Gasping for some air.
Maybe there are things I'm afraid of
The roadblocks to success
Maybe if I strip myself naked
I wouldn't be damaging my health.
Peace of mind is priceless
A price im not willing to pay just yet.
In due time
A story will unfold or
One will come to an end.

The Road to Solitude.

Let me breathe.
Give me air.
Give me room.
Let me see.
In despair full of doom
Can you hear?
Wicked smiles so endearing
Horriffic sounds clearing
You cant win
Carried by the win.
The sound of sin.

Let me take you to a place
Where the earth moves at the slowest pace
Time is relative but never real
And you'll never know just how it feels.

Elevate beyond all the hatred and despair
Beyond the thickness in the air
Let go and lose your mind
Keep searching and searching and you will find
the point of tranquility and peace
An overwhelming powerless release
Feel the beat as I go
Sit back
Relax.
Let go.

Symphony of Life

I'd like to share this great piece with you, It came from an email my friend Jessie sent to me. Enjoy!

In the great symphony of life, we all have important parts to play. While some people are best suited to be conductors or soloists, their contributions would be diminished considerably without the individual musicians that lend their artistry to the fullness of an orchestra.

The magical accents of the percussion section might sound random and out of place without the music they accompany. But any one member of an orchestra, doing less than their best at their particular part, can destroy the harmony of the whole piece, such is their importance.

So although we may not receive the same amount or quality of attention as another, all of our contributions are valuable and integral to the success of the whole.

When we do our tasks well, we infuse them with our unique energy, making each act a gift. Each of our personalities and talents are suited to different roles of support. Even leaders and star performers support others in their own way. We can look around us at any moment to see that while we nurture some people with our work, others are supporting us with their gifts.

Doing any job from this place within us allows us to do our part with humility and gratitude, while also learning lessons that move us steadily toward our goals.

When we can be fully present in every job that we do, we bring the fullness of our bodies, minds and spirits to the moment. Our contribution is enhanced by the infusion of our talents and abilities, and when we give them willingly, they attract the right people and circumstances into our experience.

Anything we do begrudgingly limits the flow of our energy and closes us off from the good that is available to us in every situation. But by giving the best in us to make the world around us better, we open ourselves to receive the best from the universe in return.

A commitnent to Blog.

I began this blog as a way to keep me interested in writing and as a way to keep me writing on a consistent basis. I know that I have a talent for putting things into words, especially in rhyme. However, like most people, I suffer from the fear of failure/success, insecurity, and lack of discipline, who never follow their talents/pursue their dreams. For once, I am commit to writing at least twice a week on this blog, and whether anyone reads it, if my writing sucks, I will feel better knowing that I followed through on this commitment. So happy reading everyone!


Signed...... ME

Childhood Scars.

There are certain fears that you may be born with or are nurtured from certain needs not being met when you were a child. I often wonder about certain feelings that have not gone away from childhood. Although I have grown past most of it, there still remains those tiny doses of insecurity,being inadequate and a need to please. The following will provide certain examples and will shed light on the subject.

When I was a child, I was subjected to ridicule and cruelty, especially at school. It was like a wore a big sign that said, "Make fun of Erika, Take a Stab." Why you ask? I don't know. Perhaps, it was that I was too naive and thought everyone was my friend, I wasn't "cool enough" in conjunction with those mean girls in school. I was also the youngest of five children through my dad, and of two within my household. So here I have a established the certain elements that have added the "fuel" to the fire.

In elementary school, I had a hard time making and maintaining friends. The "friends" I had, I tried so hard to be nice to them, and just to be accepted. Because there were predominantly white people in my small neighborhood and school, people would refer to me as "Puerto Rican pisspail." Because I had long hair, there were certain times that I had my hair pulled so hard that I would end up on my knees. In one particular instance, my hair was used as a handle and my head was hit against the bricks of my school.

So from an early age, it was established that mean people existed in the world. My grandmother would tell me, "it's because they are jealous of you." What eight year old is going to believe that? However, in hindsight, she was right. Little Erika just kept on being nice to people who did not appreciate her. I am fortunate enough now to still have a friendship with my oldest friend.

Fast forward to high school. A girl gets her eyebrows waxed and it makes all the difference! All of a sudden she has a false sense of security, and people are beginning to notice her! There are boys who like her! A bigger school, more people who aren't just from Bayside, but from all over Queens. I went through friends like it was nobody's business, and one particular clique I had, at the end of high school would completely be cut off from me. The individual friendships I had would be so on and off. I had one best friend that would remain with me until freshman year of college.

I was a concoction of emotions during my teenage years. My grandmother who raised me had passed away, and I was so angry over many things. When I would cry, I would scream. I walked around like everyone was out to get me, and there was only a certain threshold of pain that I could take. I fought with my family very often.

Fast forward to the present. Okay, so I have set the backdrop without getting into too much detail as to why certain feelings have remained with me. When I reflect on my childhood, I try to see all the fun I used to have. But, there are scars that have remained with me. I am now sensitive to certain people's criticisms and judgements, and many people may think I am still defensive. I know that I have grown up tremendously and have acquired strength and insight because of it.

There are still moments when I try too hard to please other people, going out of my way for people who wouldn't reciprocate or for people who frankly, just do not deserve it. But I guess that is just my nature. I have a forgiving heart, but many people in the world do not, especially those who have crossed my path. My circle of friends has gotten smaller and I just try to stick with those who appreciate me for who I am, which these days those who know me best, is my family.

"Unchanged"

This is a song I wrote when I was sixteen and thought that with a little work it has some potential.

The moment our eyes met I just knew
that you'd take way my cynical views
You'd mend the broken pieces of my heart
Just me and you a brand new start
When I look into your eyes
Now I realize
You're all I need
Just you and me baby

You're the eyes to my soul
With you I lose my self control
and after all this time it stayed the same
Baby, our love remains unchanged

Your love provides a certain peace
An overwhelming, powerless release
The years have come and gone
Yet I wonder if you're the one

The more and more we've grown together
The love from you has become a treasure
Are we meant to be together?
Will you stay and love me forever?
Baby we're made for each other
I promise to never love another


You're the eyes to my soul
With you I lose my self control
and after all this time it stayed the same
Baby, our love remains unchanged

All the times I felt alone
I'd cry alone at home
Could never sleep at peace
Would sleep wake up and weep
Til the day you came along
You came along and I was strong
When I looked into your eyes
They had me mesmerized

The time we had apart
we stayed so close at heart
You capture my soul
Make me lose all control
I'll never feel the pain
Despite it all our love remains unchanged.

Comfortably Numb.

At this point in life I've become comfortably numb

Despite all the pain my heart has succumbed

The only thing known is the comfort in my skin

And all of the confidence that comes from within

Anger is on my brain, pain within my heart

Ready to release, a life unable to start

The past is known, the future is not

The present keeps my stomach in knots

Ready to break free with nobody by my side

The truth is in front of me, There is no where to hide.

Predisposed to the addictions of what we call life

Binded by struggle, and pre-destined by strife

When can a bird feel free to just fly?

Who is the one to judge the day that we die?

Is there a God? Oh, please tell me why?

Why is there suffering blinded by lies?

There's is no control, living life on a whim..

Looking in the mirror is a battle no one can win.

Despite all my pain there are lessons learned

Never trust anyone for judgement is earned

Let go of the pain in which you have no control

Grab life by the balls, Live a life untold

Cherish the friendships, immerse yourself in love

Because living for hereafter is worthless if there is nothing above

Take pride in your strength, consume all your dignity

Live and learn but love unconditionally

The greatest love of all starts from within

because life is a game one surely can win!!!

Is it better to have loved and lost?

I was in a bad place when you entered in my life.

I was broken down and neglected

I thought that you were different

You told me everything would be alright

Our first kiss was magical I got chills up and down my spine

For I never felt this way before

And the feeling I felt it everytime

We made love until the morning

Through the day until the night

The moments were filled with passion

Even though all I felt was fright.

How time stood still I guess we will never know

A relationship was blossoming

I guess it will never grow.

My head is making the choice to walk away this time

My heart is yearning for the days when I thought you would be mine.

My body screams your name each time that you are near

Losing you has been my biggest fear

Now..

I don't believe in love at first sight

I don't believe in lust

I don't believe in fate

Because even that you can't trust.

I used to believe in you in me

I used to think it would be alright

Even through the moments of doubt

Even when we used to fight

Goodbye my love I wish you luck in life

I never felt this way before thank you for this chance

I guess it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all

Someone will move on..

So who's loss is it afterall?

For in You, I'm Strong

:)

I suddenly felt compelled to write a blog as it has been a very long time.

I used to write frequently when I had the inspiration, the words would flow through me and within a flash I had completed a song or poem.

I am going to post an old piece of writing..

I find myself again in a different place

Time moves at a slower pace

Seven years sustained in pain

Wasteful hours spent in vain

Your love was buried deep inside

I tried to run, I tried to hide

Is it worth a life in sin

An endless battle you can’t win

I surrendered my all to YOU

There are no words, only truth

Chorus:

Now that part of me is gone

For now I can carry on

Thank you Lord

I thank you Lord

For in You I’m strong

I woke up this morning

Ready to face the mirror

Without a warning

Things have never been clearer

No need to question or wonder why

Your love sets me free

For now I could fly

There was so much I was afraid to face

For years I vanished without a trace

Now that part of me is gone

Thank you Lord

For in you I’m Strong

Letter from God.

Letter from God

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
I love you.

P.S. And, remember...
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose?

Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
Now, you have a nice day.

God

Thank God for iPod!

Picture it: It is 8:15 in the morning and yours truly is cheerfully joining the millions of bridge and tunnel commuters on their way to work in Manhattan. To those who aren't blessed enough to be riding the 7 train daily, let me assure you don't know what you're missing! Come on, who would not want the suspense of not knowing if you are going to make it to work in a timely matter, whether or not you will be pushed and knocked out but the millions of people scrambling to be packed into the train like rats in the cage?

On this particular Monday morning, I was manifesting a seat on the crowded train. My legs were tired, my eyes groggy and was totally not in the mood to deal with people. Usually, I take the LIRR to avoid the morning drama, but that has dampened my pockets, so I figured I was humble enough to ride the subway to save some money.

As the train doors opened, I assertively pushed my way through the vultures and to my astonishment, I thought, "Look a seat!" I moved quickly and embraced this rare occurrence of finding a seat. As I was about to sit down, an older women from the Orient ran and stole my seat!! Just as my butt was ready to make a safe landing on that cold, hard seat!

OMG!! "This just not did not happen!" I thought. I felt the fury and rage boil up from my feet and I began to implode! As I was about to maliciously rip her head off, I thought, "It is only a seat Erika." Those five words were my salvation, but being the outspoken Erika that I am, I yelled, "Are you kidding me? Really? Are YOU kidding ME?!??" She grunted and barely was able to say, "I sorry" with a content grin on her face. I was so pissed that I ran to another car.

I put on my iPod and found the most soulful song that I could sing (inside my head) that would rid myself of the fury, and negative thoughts so I could still find some joy in my day. Mary J Blige! Real love! ::Singing:: "Real Love, I'mmmmmmmmmmm searching for that Reall love!"

Of course, having the most ironic luck, I was interupted of my meditative state by the most horrific smell of curry armpits. I turned my head, there it he was! The bastard who dare enter a crowded train, with no air, and no deordorant!! I had to stand for forty five minutes with my head in my scarf. But I was singing Mary the whole time.

So with that said, I am thankful for that day, for it taught me to find humor in the day, and to not let a rude Chinese woman or an Bohemian Indian man who reaked of curry and of no deodorant to ruin my day. Most of all, I am thankful to God and of course, my salvation, the iPod.