There are certain fears that you may be born with or are nurtured from certain needs not being met when you were a child. I often wonder about certain feelings that have not gone away from childhood. Although I have grown past most of it, there still remains those tiny doses of insecurity,being inadequate and a need to please. The following will provide certain examples and will shed light on the subject.
When I was a child, I was subjected to ridicule and cruelty, especially at school. It was like a wore a big sign that said, "Make fun of Erika, Take a Stab." Why you ask? I don't know. Perhaps, it was that I was too naive and thought everyone was my friend, I wasn't "cool enough" in conjunction with those mean girls in school. I was also the youngest of five children through my dad, and of two within my household. So here I have a established the certain elements that have added the "fuel" to the fire.
In elementary school, I had a hard time making and maintaining friends. The "friends" I had, I tried so hard to be nice to them, and just to be accepted. Because there were predominantly white people in my small neighborhood and school, people would refer to me as "Puerto Rican pisspail." Because I had long hair, there were certain times that I had my hair pulled so hard that I would end up on my knees. In one particular instance, my hair was used as a handle and my head was hit against the bricks of my school.
So from an early age, it was established that mean people existed in the world. My grandmother would tell me, "it's because they are jealous of you." What eight year old is going to believe that? However, in hindsight, she was right. Little Erika just kept on being nice to people who did not appreciate her. I am fortunate enough now to still have a friendship with my oldest friend.
Fast forward to high school. A girl gets her eyebrows waxed and it makes all the difference! All of a sudden she has a false sense of security, and people are beginning to notice her! There are boys who like her! A bigger school, more people who aren't just from Bayside, but from all over Queens. I went through friends like it was nobody's business, and one particular clique I had, at the end of high school would completely be cut off from me. The individual friendships I had would be so on and off. I had one best friend that would remain with me until freshman year of college.
I was a concoction of emotions during my teenage years. My grandmother who raised me had passed away, and I was so angry over many things. When I would cry, I would scream. I walked around like everyone was out to get me, and there was only a certain threshold of pain that I could take. I fought with my family very often.
Fast forward to the present. Okay, so I have set the backdrop without getting into too much detail as to why certain feelings have remained with me. When I reflect on my childhood, I try to see all the fun I used to have. But, there are scars that have remained with me. I am now sensitive to certain people's criticisms and judgements, and many people may think I am still defensive. I know that I have grown up tremendously and have acquired strength and insight because of it.
There are still moments when I try too hard to please other people, going out of my way for people who wouldn't reciprocate or for people who frankly, just do not deserve it. But I guess that is just my nature. I have a forgiving heart, but many people in the world do not, especially those who have crossed my path. My circle of friends has gotten smaller and I just try to stick with those who appreciate me for who I am, which these days those who know me best, is my family.
